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Yes, I know this one is fucking long, but please, bear with me on this one.

Before you say anything, this is not a post filled with self loathing and a post where I ask you to feel sorry for me. I don’t ask for your pity or words, either you mean it or you say it to make yourself feel better(there are some that do this). What I’m doing, is trying to give you an insight into what the feeling of being useless is. What it does to you, what you feel as you sit there and stare blankly at a book, screen or simply just the wall. How you want to be happy for other’s sucess, but you can’t stop questioning yourself as to why you can’t do the same as they do. People tell you that you’re good at something, either it is what you work with or how you are with other people, but you still don’t feel it. At best you feel mediocre, a person that disappears into the masses. Personally I think it’s one of the worst feelings you can have, because even though we all are individuals and we all are special in one way or another, you still feel that you fade away. Maybe this little insight might help you understand things and maybe help them. Odds are you’ll just read this and ignore it and say “No, this is self loathing”. Maybe it is, but it’s definetely not the intention, so I’ll try to write as scientifically as possible.

A person who feels useless has hit the wall. That’s the easy way to put it. They’ll sit down and see all their failures, not the things they’ve done well. They’ll look back and see how they failed at love, happyness and career, even though he or she was the best boyfriend/girlfriend one could ever ask for or was the Raphael of whatever it is they work with, either it’s being a doctor, carpenter or cleaning toilets. The thing is, that these people won’t be able to see their Sistine Chapel(added the link if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you ignorant shit), they can only see the sketch on the desk that turned out rather shit.

The fact that they’ve hit the wall isn’t necessarily due to that the task at hand is difficult. Usually it’s something different that have caused them to hit the wall. They don’t have to see a shrink to fix it, but it could help. Having someone to talk to and being able to open up to in general would help. Should you feel useless over a prolonged period of time, then I suggest you do this. Either have a friend or family member listen to your moaning or go see a shrink. I can guarantee you that you won’t be the first to go to a shrink with that kind of a problem.

Probably the worst think you can do if you know someone that hit the wall, is try to push them out of the hole. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help them, but be careful not to be too agressive. If you start rambling on about how they should sort their head together and get working you’re not helping. They know they’ve hit the wall, it’s obvious to them. They know they’re in a hole and they know they’re self loathing and complaining. Telling them this doesn’t help. If you’re gonna help someone punch through the fucking annoying wall, you need to let them make the first punch, but that doesn’t mean you can’t put them in the position and raise their arm.

Here’s a tip that worked for me; If you know that this person has done a great many deal of good things in their life, it be long or short, then have them make a list. Help them write down all the good things they’ve done in their life, even the tiniest little detail, like how they were the fastest at school running the 60 meter, or how they got good grades or whatever. I doubt I’m that much of a sucess, but after 5 minutes my list was pretty long, and I did that on my own. I would bet that if I had someone help me, it would be a lot longer. Then write down the failures. This will probably be the big things, but details may pop up here as well. Odds are that the fail list will be a whole lot shorter than the win list. Now for the little bonus bit. Try to torpedo as many things, if not all things, on the fail list. For instance, I was bullied for a couple of years at school, but how can I be blamed for that? Isn’t it a known fact that the victim is not to blame in such an instance? I took an extension on my master thesis, but I’m not the first and I definetely won’t be the last. And there are plenty of people who never finish it and drop out.

In short, help them see that their failures aren’t that big or uncommon or that they can’t be blamed for it. Some of their failures might not be failures at all.The most important thing however, is to focus on all the good things they’ve done. That they’re not a complete failure.

Maybe this will help you, either you have hit the wall or you know someone that have hit the wall. I know it certainly helped me.

 

 

I must admit, before two days ago I had no idea who this woman was. It was just another name that mattered to me as much as Lindsey Lohan, although I know that Lindsey Lohan is a cocaine cunt. In case you didn’t know, Meyer is the terrorist behind a terrorist attack probably worse than 9/11 (expecting hatemail now). I speak of course about the Twilight saga, or Twatlight saga if you like. This monstrosity that probably breaks a shitload of laws all around the world and would normally get you killed, is published and by many people, praised. Although it’s probably protected by free speech, I think an exception should be made with Twilight. There’s an old saying “Where they burn books, they will eventually burn people”, and if this means burning the Twilight books and all the other things related to it and then burn Meyer along with the people behind the movie then I’m all for it. Hell, I’ll even pay for the wood.

I have now seen the three Twatlight movies and I must say I’m disgusted. It’s shit. Totally shit. The first thought that struck me when hearing eddie speak to bella, or balls, was that he says everything not only she wants to hear, but any 14yo girl wants to hear. How more populistic can you get? It’s like hearing a fucking politician three days before an election. Who knew that you could get so many cliche riddled lines spilled out from one person at the same time? What the fuck did the Meyer do? Did she find a program to write the book for her and added a ton of cliches, just to make the crap sell? A girl willing to give up her “soul”(doubt she ever had one, because a more soulless character is hard to find, if you don’t count the cullens) so she can be with her “one true love” forever and ever? The only way it could have been a more sickening cliche is if it had been the other way around.

What stunned me was the total lack of knowledge about vampires that this book shows. Everybody knows that vampires can’t handle the UV rays from the sun. This means that they are unable to survive in daylight. There are UV rays even if it’s cloudy, you stupid cunt. If it’s the white light from the sun that “exposes” them then the fuckers shouldn’t be able to sit near a lightbulb without sparkling like a fucking chandeleir. And UV light doesn’t make vampires sparkle like the fucking tooth fairy, it fucking kills them. As in death. The only vampire that can walk around in daylight without turning into a badly burn frozen pizza is Dracula, and even he has reduced powers then. Do some fucking research.

I found it amusing that whenever the vampires were injured or lost a limb it was like their whole body was made out of fucking porcelein or something similar. Pull the arms off and it’s like fucking plaster. How “family friendly” is it possible to get? It’s obvious that these books and movies were made for 15yo girls because the lack of knowledge, cliches and blood is just increadible.

Vampires can’t take garlic or silver, and if you’re gonna kill one, the most secure way is to pierce their heart with a stake. Silver for great sucess. That’s all. You don’t have to tear off the limbs with your superhuman strength and then burn it. Watch a  GOOD movie that includes vampires and you’ll know.

Here’s a little fun fact about the vampires “enemies”, the wolves. The wolves are awesome, simply because if it was up to them Edtwat Cunt and his family would be dead. The fun fact is; the first book was published in 2005, 2 years after the launch of the movie Underworld, which is part of a triology that goes on about the battle between vampires and… wait for it… werewolves! I wonder where Meyer got the idea of having wolves hate the vampires. Strange coincidence, huh? And to make it more “mysterious” the wolves are Native Americans who has had these shapeshifting genes for generations.

Twatlight is every girls dream: Two dudes on steroids fighting over the same insecure girl that every girl can relate to. There is so much wrong with these movies and books on so many levels that I’d have to write a book just to cover it all. I bet that when the publisher read through it he/she didn’t think “This is good”, but “I can make a shitload of money on this.” because that’s what it is; it’s something that sells to the stupid masses, not something that’s actually good or even decent. If I was the director I’d ask Wesley Snipes to do a comeback in the last movie and kill off every single one of them, Blade style. Then the movie might be somewhat survivable.

And to top it off, thanks to Meyer and her fellow criminals, countless boyfriends have been dragged to the movies by their girlfriends and forced to sit through the pain and torture that this shit presents. I hope that if vampires really do exist, they find Meyer and crucify her, Hannibal Lecter style.

Yes, she is. I’ve seen the six Hairy Plonker films, read the first book and I must say that I’m far from impressed. Actually, it wasn’t any remotely near good. I think J.K. Rowling should either shoot the scriptwriters and directors because they destroyed her books(if the books are any good), but if she’s actually happy with the movies then she should have her hands chopped off so she never writes another book again. I’ll be fair and admit that three or four times during these movies I had a little chuckle, but not enough laughter to justify it.

Like I said, the first book was shit and the movies was a load of crap. Besides, she’s doing copyright infringements all over the places. One dude who has no idea from his origins that uses an unseen force and a special weapon to fight someone he’s connect with through blood? Have you ever seen Star Wars? Let us just add in Prof Dumbledore as Obi Wan and Granger as Princess Leia and you’re all set. Might as well throw in Ron as Han Solo(although we all know Harrison Ford could whop Ron’s arse without breaking a sweat) and we’re there.

Those that do deserve an applause in relation to the Plonker movies are the people behind the special effects. Even though they deserve a punch in the face for whoring their services out they still did a damn good job. So well done to them, although the script writers and Rowling should be beaten for excessive use of cliches and lack of originality. I couldn’t be arsed to look through the credits, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find George Lucas or Christopher Tolkien in there, although I doubt they’d degrade themselves to that level.

The lack of originality in the surroundings is extraordinary. You’re in a mythical world and you can create whatever damn sort of creature you want. If you want to, you can create a four legged animal with lizards tail, bat wings and a fishhead if you feel like it, but nooooo, let’s go for what everybody knows. At least in LOTR he came up with the Uruk Hai and did a little moderation to the Elephants, but no such luck in world of Plonkers. Centaurs and Unicorns and giants. The only things that struck me as new was the dementors, the flying prison keepers, but wait, who do they look like? Can anyone say Ringwraiths? At least she managed to get a few more than 9, that would have been a copyright infringement.

And what about the magic? The worlds most amazing wizards, and all their power comes from a little wooden stick. How fucked up is that? Take away the little stick and they can do fuck all. Send in Voldemort without the stick against Mickey Mouse and it’s time for the mice to dance on the most powerful evil wizard of all time. Gimme a fucking break, will you?

Although I have a feeling that I will probably have to watch the last movie, just for the conclusion and since I have a small glimmer of hope that she might have come up with something exciting for the last bit, I’m not holding my breath. And those of you who are Harry Potter fanatics that are now going “OMFG, it’s liek the greatest movie EVAH!” should go watch something that’s actually worth something. Honestly, Rambo and Die Hard has less predictability and cliches than the Hairy Plonker set. And when it comes to books, well go read about the digestive system of an ant. I’d consider it much more rewarding and much more worth of a discussion topic than this shit.

I’m off to suffer more from watching the Twilight series. If I don’t post something in a while you can assume that I’m in a lunatic asylum or have killed myself.

The moral nazis

Ok, maybe calling them nazis is taking it a bit too far, but it’s good for shock factor, isn’t it? Glenn Beck constantly called everyone not agreeing with him for nazis, so I feel I’m intetled to use it at least for once.

But you might be wondering who I’m referring to. I’m referring to the people walking around thinking they are better than everyone else; the non-smokers. Ok, not every non-smoker is a moral hypochrite, but there are some that are. They’re few, but what they lack in numbers they surely make up for in cockyness.

I get sick when they start going on about how people who smoke are stupid, how they’re lacking the will to quit and are weak and god knows what they don’t say. They say we(and I use it because I used to smoke and was one of them) ruin it for everyone, because since we end up in hospital with different diseases that may be a result of smoking, the society has to pay for it, either by the taxes or by increased health-insurance. I’ve actually heard some go so far as to say we should pay all of it ourselves or that we don’t deserve treatment. In other words; we’re all equal, as long as you don’t smoke. If you smoke you’re not worthy. Is that really moral, or is just what Hitler did, only it’s not directed towards a specific race?

Let’s play these moral cunts game and say we don’t deserve health care because we chose to start smoking, just for the sake of argument. Who else doesn’t deserve health care? Of course those that eat so much they get fat. It’s their choice to go for soda when they could have gone for a glass of water. Why should my tax money help them be healthy? Get your fat asses out and start working out. Drug addicts. I bet most of them weren’t forced to shoot the heroin or sniff the cocaine. So what if they OD and die violent deaths. Their choice.

People who get alcohol poisoning. The poor barkeeper can’t keep a tab on everyone that comes in a crowded club and gets hammered. Let them lay on the street and die and we’ll come pick their corpses up in the morning. Let’s ignore the alcoholics as well, at least until their on their own. Let’s help the family and friends stay away from them, but hell no if we’re gonna help them. People who drive reckless or too fast. They control the speed of the car and if they crash and die a slow and painful death then too bad for them. Let’s just clear the road so the traffic doesn’t jam up. It’s only natural selection anyway, isn’t it?

This is all bullshit. Everyone has the same right to be taken care of, no matter what happens or what you do. We are all equal.

Let’s quote The Universal Declaration of Human Rights

1. All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.

 

25 – 1 Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and of his family, including food, clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control.

 

So if they look down on smokers, where’s the spirit of brotherhood? How can they at one point boast about how good people they are and how good the Declarion of Human Rights is, and in the next second brush it all away? Although I want to say that I think they should be dragged down from their high horse and get beaten, I won’t say it(surprised you there, didn’t I?). Ignore these idiots and hope nobody listens to them. We’re all equal, wheter we smoke, drink or think we’re better than everybody else. Personally, I’ll get furious at these moral nazis and when the rage is over I’ll pity them for their ignorance and lack of ability to look in the mirror and see what they truly are. I can do perfectly well without your judgement, we all can, but if you want to be a good person, don’t judge us, offer us your assistance and support in case we wanna quit.

No, I’m not talking about cocain or any other reference to drug. You fucking junkie. Just because it seems like I’m constantly high on something, doesn’t mean that I actually am. Well, I’m usually high on caffeine and sugar, but that’s a legal substance, even though I abuse it as well as I can.

I’m talking about Coca Cola, the stuff that I consider black gold. Screw oil. The world would survive without it. I wouldn’t survive without coke. Coke should be given on perscription simply because it brings new life to your body. I can feel like I’ve just had a train run over me and then had the neighbour’s cat pee on my leg after I slipped in dog shit, and then have a glass or can of coke and then be a new person. It’s better than redbull. Redbull sucks donkey balls compared to coke. If Jesus had any sense, he would have ignored the request of turning water into wine and make it into coke instead. People would have gone apeshit and he probably wouldn’t have been nailed up to a cross. “Guys, think about it. This is the dude that gave us coke. We might be stupid, but we’re not that retarded.”

So you might be wondering why I want it on perscription. Well, the thing is that here in Norway after you’ve spent 1800 NOK(or something like that. That’s the last number I’ve heard at least) on medicine perscribed by you for your doctor due to long lasting or chronic disease, the government will pay for the rest. So if I( I don’t give two fucks about the rest of the people) could get it on perscription, I could have the government pay for my coke.

Now you might wonder why I want this delicious and life bringing liquid on perscription, when the propaganda calls it unhealthy and that it will ruin your teeth and toes and whatnot. Now these are of course all lies put out by the vegetable and smoothie industry, trying to make sure that you buy their so called “healthy” crap instead of the nourishing coke that will bring your body to life.

We’ve all been there. The morning after. You feel like shit. You wanna throw up and your head is hammering like the fast beat of a bad porn movie. You look around and you see half naked strippers on the bed and on the floor, drooling and condoms on their face. You stagger into the bathroom and everything from last night comes out and you feel  a micro orgasm as you empty your bladder, and a small sense of victory that you didn’t spill anything on the floor. You look into the mirror and instead of seeing yourself you see Quasimodo after a 24 hour shift of bellringing in the Notre Dame.

Then you stagger over into the kitchen, feeling like you’ve run a marathon that’s only an upwards hill before you finally reach the fridge. With the effort of a Strongman competitor you open the fridge door, and there inside the fridge you see the holy grail of hangover cures. An ice cold can of coke. With the final effort of a dying man you grab the can, open it and try to ignore the loud sound that almost ruin your eardrums, and even already as you can smell it you feel a spark of life growing in you. Then you raise the can to your lips, take a sip, and instantly you feel your body react like Popeye after getting a mouthful of spinach. You realise that this heavinly drink was in fact given to man from God himself to cure hangover. Every drop of coke that enters your body brings new life, and you realise that Jesus didn’t ressurect Lasarus; he only gave a really hungover Lasarus a cold coke.

That’s why coke should be on perscription.

Unbridled Wrath

And an awesome wailing was heard throughout heaven as the terrible hand of the Lord struck upon the earth. And as Almighty God created you, now He calleth you home.

 

I’m angry. I’m actually furious. Sometimes it’s good being angry, but it kinda sucks when you don’t have a face or an object to turn your anger against. Usually you have a face that you wanna punch, like your neighbour or maybe his kids, or you have an object you wanna crush, like the new IKEA furniture that just won’t stick together even though you’ve looked at the manual 20 000 times and you’re still none the wiser.

You might wonder what has brought on this fury before you settle for the thought that I just had a fart that smelt a bit worse than I expected and because of the stench I’m now in a very sour mood(can’t hit a smelly fart, no matter how much you want to), but that’s not true. What has brought on the rage is a faceless monster who is among those people who should be hanged by their neck until dead. Since I have time(and obviously so do you since you’re reading this shit), I will tell you why.

A couple of days ago my cousins boyfriend was at work. He was outside doing something(I dunno what he was doing, but I doubt it was anything productive) when he heard a little noise. The little noise was a cute little kitten. I’ve seen a picture of this little kitten and it’s melt-your-heart cute. He found this kitten 100 meter from the freeway. No houses, waters or rivers nearby, just office buildings, warehouses and the freeway. Someone had just thrown this little kitten out of their car while driving 90 km/h and hoped that traffic would take care of the rest. Luckily, the kitten which I have named Scarface(he has a little wound on his nose) survived and is now in two pairs of cat loving hands.

The kind of people that do this brings out total fury in me. One thing is killing a kitten, that can be somewhat justifiable if it’s just done quickly and no pain. Not having the balls to do it and just hope that the scared little kitty will be run over by a car is not justifiable in any way. This is why I should be dictator of the world. These kinds of people would be taken care of by the worst sociopaths and killers the world can produce and they would recieve a long, painful and agonising death. I’d bring up old torture methods from the Middle Ages and I would come up with a couple of new ones. After the torture and inevitable death of these people(and I use that term very loosely) they would be beheaded and their heads would be mumified and put on a stake as a warning to everyone else.

Some people should not own animals, simply because they are worse than animals themselves. It’s one thing if you have a dog you can’t control because you don’t have the balls to discipline it or you don’t know how to control it, but for the love of God, there’s a limit to what any functional or non functional, just or unjust, society can handle. These people ought to die terrible deaths, hopefully inventive deaths as well. Hanging and beheading is too good for them. Maybe in the end.

I want one of those guys in front of me, exposed to torture, be given a James Bondish licence to kill and a gun and as I point the gun to their forehead I would look into their eyes and utter the quite epic quote from Boondock Saints II that you see above. Then I pull the trigger and I’ll let The Grim Reaper come and collect their so called souls and drag them down to hell for eternal suffering without relief(make sure you empty your bladder before you go, never know if the facilities down there are sanitable).

… to a man. Yes, there are a few things you should never expose a man for, especially not if he is your partner. Consider this little post an educational introduction into the male phsyce. I do this to help humanity and maybe make the world a better place for us men and thus also you women(lies. I was told that by publishing educational blog posts I’d recieve money”.

1) What are you thinking about? Never EVER ask your man this question. It’s simple. This question may make us men panic. It’s not a problem if we’re thinking about work or school or anything like that. Then we’ll just spew out the normal boring stuff. However, this question may send a man into panic due to several different reasons;

1) He may not be thinking of anything at all and he’s quickly trying to come up with something smart to think about so that he doesn’t seem like a complete idiot. Usually this results in an even dumber thought, like “I think roses are prettiest when they are pink”. If you listen very carefully after hearing this statement, you’ll hear the sound of the man’s self esteem and value shatter and in the next toilet visit he’ll shit it out like a bad bunch of tacos.

2) He’s thinking of other women. Maybe he just saw a woman across the street with an increadibly hot ass and he thought “that is a nice ass”. That can be it. Or he could be thinking of your sister and how much he’d want to do her in your bed. So when being asked the question he has a choice to either appear like a complete idiot or a perv. You’re basically asking him what kind of rope he wants to hang himself with.

3) He’s fantasising. Not about other women, but about how awesome it would be to be part of a SWAT team that has to storm the building across the street. Or maybe he’s thinking that the roof of the tall building down the street is perfect for a sniping position. Anyway, when asked he’ll either talk about pretty roses or he’ll tell you how awesome it would be to be a sniper sitting on the building over there, and once again you’ll hear the sound of shattered self esteem tacos.

Luckily, I already have a defense ready, which will be “Yellow roses are pretty, but I’d like to see blue ones” because I know people already think I’m an idiot.

2) Make jokes about his penis. Don’t you ever joke about his manhood. It’s not nice. Actually it’s devestating. You’ll hear guys call each other “needledick” and other names implying they have a small cock. This is different. The difference between a man calling another man needledick and a woman calling her boyfriend/husband needledick are the same as a little pebble on the beach and something the size of Jupiter. It’s just not acceptable to do such a thing. Self esteem tacos will follow.

3) Try to make him believe farts and burps are not funny. Because they are! End of discussion!

4) The silent treatment. All men fear it and try to avoid it. If we piss a woman off and we get the silent treatment, it’s torture. So, why should you women not use it? Because it has limited effect for longer periods of time. Before you know it he will realise that jacking off isn’t as bad as he thought it was and take out works well as every meal of the day. The end result is a shitload of noodle boxes around the house and no tissues. So in reality, this just backfires on you since the man has the ability to not care at all. Sucks to be you.

These 4 starters should help you get started with your new partner. Have a good read, and try to understand that I’m actually helping you with this shit. I have not exposed any big secrets, I’m just trying to make it easier for you and your newfound hubby to live in a little less misery then what you’re already doomed to live in.