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Archive for the ‘Movies/books that are shit’ Category

No, I’m not referring to the quite awesome and somewhat mindfucking movie about the Vietnman war, I’m referring to the fact that I fear the end of the world is near. I’ve been reading a bit in the Bible as part of my religion studies, and in Revelations it’s all about the end of the world. Of course the whole thing is riddled with metaphores and symbolism, but I think I am the first person in the world who have deciphered the part about the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Now to me it’s not the horsemen, but more the horses that are the evidence, and as the groundbreaking researcher, theologist and historian I am, I won’t do it through a book, but here on my blog free for all you to see. I present to you my theory of the Apocalypse and Twatlight!(dramatic music)

I know, I know, it might come as a shock to most of you, but I don’t doubt for a second that it’s the truth. The evidence are all there. It’s clear that Twatlight is the four horses of the apocalypse. Let me give you the proof.

The first horse is described as white. Stephanie Meyer is white. You might consider that as just a coincidence, but not when you look at the rest of the evidence.

The second horse is described as fiery red. Jacob is a Native American. I’m not racist, but we all know that Native Americans once were called redskins. Try to disregard that fact.

And when you read that the third horse is black, all you need to know is that vampires have to come out at night. And we all know that during the night, it’s pitch black. Can you not see the evidence piling up?

And to top it all off, Revelations describe the final and fourth horse as pale. Edward Cunt is as pale as a British miner living on the North Pole during winter.

There it is. The evidence that Twatlight is the first sign of the end of the world. The horses have been set out on this world and we’re well and truly fucked. Just look at the amount of teenage girls that hit puberty in a weird way spamming facebook and other forums going “OMG! EDWARD IS CUTE! MOVIE SOON! YAY!” while all the sane people in the world are contacting their lawyers asking if killing a Twatlight fan can be considered self defence. In my opinion, it should. At least those screaming teens. They are a danger to normal people’s sanity. I bet even the most schizophrenic and paranoid people look at them and go “Oh for fucks sake, would you please get a grip? I’m legally mental and I’m not that bad!”

The apocalypse is coming. The only way we can prevent the destruction of the world is to load our guns and hold our ground against the Twatlight invasion. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m contacting the local Russian mafia for some good weapons and explosives.

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Yes, she is. I’ve seen the six Hairy Plonker films, read the first book and I must say that I’m far from impressed. Actually, it wasn’t any remotely near good. I think J.K. Rowling should either shoot the scriptwriters and directors because they destroyed her books(if the books are any good), but if she’s actually happy with the movies then she should have her hands chopped off so she never writes another book again. I’ll be fair and admit that three or four times during these movies I had a little chuckle, but not enough laughter to justify it.

Like I said, the first book was shit and the movies was a load of crap. Besides, she’s doing copyright infringements all over the places. One dude who has no idea from his origins that uses an unseen force and a special weapon to fight someone he’s connect with through blood? Have you ever seen Star Wars? Let us just add in Prof Dumbledore as Obi Wan and Granger as Princess Leia and you’re all set. Might as well throw in Ron as Han Solo(although we all know Harrison Ford could whop Ron’s arse without breaking a sweat) and we’re there.

Those that do deserve an applause in relation to the Plonker movies are the people behind the special effects. Even though they deserve a punch in the face for whoring their services out they still did a damn good job. So well done to them, although the script writers and Rowling should be beaten for excessive use of cliches and lack of originality. I couldn’t be arsed to look through the credits, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find George Lucas or Christopher Tolkien in there, although I doubt they’d degrade themselves to that level.

The lack of originality in the surroundings is extraordinary. You’re in a mythical world and you can create whatever damn sort of creature you want. If you want to, you can create a four legged animal with lizards tail, bat wings and a fishhead if you feel like it, but nooooo, let’s go for what everybody knows. At least in LOTR he came up with the Uruk Hai and did a little moderation to the Elephants, but no such luck in world of Plonkers. Centaurs and Unicorns and giants. The only things that struck me as new was the dementors, the flying prison keepers, but wait, who do they look like? Can anyone say Ringwraiths? At least she managed to get a few more than 9, that would have been a copyright infringement.

And what about the magic? The worlds most amazing wizards, and all their power comes from a little wooden stick. How fucked up is that? Take away the little stick and they can do fuck all. Send in Voldemort without the stick against Mickey Mouse and it’s time for the mice to dance on the most powerful evil wizard of all time. Gimme a fucking break, will you?

Although I have a feeling that I will probably have to watch the last movie, just for the conclusion and since I have a small glimmer of hope that she might have come up with something exciting for the last bit, I’m not holding my breath. And those of you who are Harry Potter fanatics that are now going “OMFG, it’s liek the greatest movie EVAH!” should go watch something that’s actually worth something. Honestly, Rambo and Die Hard has less predictability and cliches than the Hairy Plonker set. And when it comes to books, well go read about the digestive system of an ant. I’d consider it much more rewarding and much more worth of a discussion topic than this shit.

I’m off to suffer more from watching the Twilight series. If I don’t post something in a while you can assume that I’m in a lunatic asylum or have killed myself.

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