Archive for the ‘Future’ Category

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and be 67 and retired. Right now that’s pretty much what I look forward to. To be old and grey and not waking up at 6 in the morning and think “I gotta go to work today”. You might be wondering why a 24yo suddenly want to age 43 years over the night, but there are some good reasons to suddenly become old.

First of all people won’t look at me strange when I say “In my time, when I was young”. The strange thing is that at 24 I can actually say those words and it’s legitimitate. When I was young the cartoons were actually entertaining and not supposed to be educational or moral in any way. The Scooby Doo show’s only moral was “don’t be a criminal and dress up like a ghost or monster, because if you do some kids and a dog will bust your ass and send you to jail”. It was either that, or “cops are useless, their jobs are so easy that even teenagers can do it and catch them in a way that doesn’t require guns”. Anyway, they weren’t trying to tell you that 2+5 equals 7.

Second, what’s worse than a retired person who’s a first class asshole. Whenever someone talks to you you can go “What? What? WHAT? Speak up!” even when you can hear them perfectly and then in the end go “Calm down, I’m not deaf!” as a cherry on the top. As an old person you have a whole lot more leeway than as someone who’s in their 20’s. You can trip someone as they walk past you with your cane and odds are they’ll apologise or just not say anything when they see you’re old.

As an old person, you can easily be a burden to society. Maybe I’m a narcissist, but when the ice lays thick on the pavement I will walk out to buy shit that I really don’t need on my shaky feets, then trip over and break some of my fragile bones and then my hospital bills will be payed for by the younger generation’s hard earned tax money. It’s something that will give relief to the pain.

Should I ever end up having grandchildren I can tell them complete and utter lies about how I was when I was their age. Hell, I can tell any child complete and utter lies. How I fought dinosaurs(only works on smaller children) and other lies. Most people will shake their heads, but since you’re an old person, most kids will accept your lies. And to give them ultimate proof you bribe them with ice cream or candy(preferably something that’s past it’s expery date. You’re old, who expects you to be able to read those tiny little dates. Bonus if there are tiny pieces of mould on them).

These are the pro’s I can think of right now. My blood has a redish colour, which means I’m lacking plenty of coke in my blood to make it black, so my creativity is a bit low. I guess that’s something I just gotta live with, just like you gotta live with reading a rather crappy blog post. If anyone has any connections with Coca Cola Company I would love to sign a deal for them. My blog is for sale and I will have no problems signing every blog post with “Drink Coke. It will turn you into a superhero” if they send me enough of the heavinly juice.  Until next time


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