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Archive for September, 2011

No, I’m not referring to the quite awesome and somewhat mindfucking movie about the Vietnman war, I’m referring to the fact that I fear the end of the world is near. I’ve been reading a bit in the Bible as part of my religion studies, and in Revelations it’s all about the end of the world. Of course the whole thing is riddled with metaphores and symbolism, but I think I am the first person in the world who have deciphered the part about the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Now to me it’s not the horsemen, but more the horses that are the evidence, and as the groundbreaking researcher, theologist and historian I am, I won’t do it through a book, but here on my blog free for all you to see. I present to you my theory of the Apocalypse and Twatlight!(dramatic music)

I know, I know, it might come as a shock to most of you, but I don’t doubt for a second that it’s the truth. The evidence are all there. It’s clear that Twatlight is the four horses of the apocalypse. Let me give you the proof.

The first horse is described as white. Stephanie Meyer is white. You might consider that as just a coincidence, but not when you look at the rest of the evidence.

The second horse is described as fiery red. Jacob is a Native American. I’m not racist, but we all know that Native Americans once were called redskins. Try to disregard that fact.

And when you read that the third horse is black, all you need to know is that vampires have to come out at night. And we all know that during the night, it’s pitch black. Can you not see the evidence piling up?

And to top it all off, Revelations describe the final and fourth horse as pale. Edward Cunt is as pale as a British miner living on the North Pole during winter.

There it is. The evidence that Twatlight is the first sign of the end of the world. The horses have been set out on this world and we’re well and truly fucked. Just look at the amount of teenage girls that hit puberty in a weird way spamming facebook and other forums going “OMG! EDWARD IS CUTE! MOVIE SOON! YAY!” while all the sane people in the world are contacting their lawyers asking if killing a Twatlight fan can be considered self defence. In my opinion, it should. At least those screaming teens. They are a danger to normal people’s sanity. I bet even the most schizophrenic and paranoid people look at them and go “Oh for fucks sake, would you please get a grip? I’m legally mental and I’m not that bad!”

The apocalypse is coming. The only way we can prevent the destruction of the world is to load our guns and hold our ground against the Twatlight invasion. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m contacting the local Russian mafia for some good weapons and explosives.

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