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Archive for July, 2011

I must admit, before two days ago I had no idea who this woman was. It was just another name that mattered to me as much as Lindsey Lohan, although I know that Lindsey Lohan is a cocaine cunt. In case you didn’t know, Meyer is the terrorist behind a terrorist attack probably worse than 9/11 (expecting hatemail now). I speak of course about the Twilight saga, or Twatlight saga if you like. This monstrosity that probably breaks a shitload of laws all around the world and would normally get you killed, is published and by many people, praised. Although it’s probably protected by free speech, I think an exception should be made with Twilight. There’s an old saying “Where they burn books, they will eventually burn people”, and if this means burning the Twilight books and all the other things related to it and then burn Meyer along with the people behind the movie then I’m all for it. Hell, I’ll even pay for the wood.

I have now seen the three Twatlight movies and I must say I’m disgusted. It’s shit. Totally shit. The first thought that struck me when hearing eddie speak to bella, or balls, was that he says everything not only she wants to hear, but any 14yo girl wants to hear. How more populistic can you get? It’s like hearing a fucking politician three days before an election. Who knew that you could get so many cliche riddled lines spilled out from one person at the same time? What the fuck did the Meyer do? Did she find a program to write the book for her and added a ton of cliches, just to make the crap sell? A girl willing to give up her “soul”(doubt she ever had one, because a more soulless character is hard to find, if you don’t count the cullens) so she can be with her “one true love” forever and ever? The only way it could have been a more sickening cliche is if it had been the other way around.

What stunned me was the total lack of knowledge about vampires that this book shows. Everybody knows that vampires can’t handle the UV rays from the sun. This means that they are unable to survive in daylight. There are UV rays even if it’s cloudy, you stupid cunt. If it’s the white light from the sun that “exposes” them then the fuckers shouldn’t be able to sit near a lightbulb without sparkling like a fucking chandeleir. And UV light doesn’t make vampires sparkle like the fucking tooth fairy, it fucking kills them. As in death. The only vampire that can walk around in daylight without turning into a badly burn frozen pizza is Dracula, and even he has reduced powers then. Do some fucking research.

I found it amusing that whenever the vampires were injured or lost a limb it was like their whole body was made out of fucking porcelein or something similar. Pull the arms off and it’s like fucking plaster. How “family friendly” is it possible to get? It’s obvious that these books and movies were made for 15yo girls because the lack of knowledge, cliches and blood is just increadible.

Vampires can’t take garlic or silver, and if you’re gonna kill one, the most secure way is to pierce their heart with a stake. Silver for great sucess. That’s all. You don’t have to tear off the limbs with your superhuman strength and then burn it. Watch a  GOOD movie that includes vampires and you’ll know.

Here’s a little fun fact about the vampires “enemies”, the wolves. The wolves are awesome, simply because if it was up to them Edtwat Cunt and his family would be dead. The fun fact is; the first book was published in 2005, 2 years after the launch of the movie Underworld, which is part of a triology that goes on about the battle between vampires and… wait for it… werewolves! I wonder where Meyer got the idea of having wolves hate the vampires. Strange coincidence, huh? And to make it more “mysterious” the wolves are Native Americans who has had these shapeshifting genes for generations.

Twatlight is every girls dream: Two dudes on steroids fighting over the same insecure girl that every girl can relate to. There is so much wrong with these movies and books on so many levels that I’d have to write a book just to cover it all. I bet that when the publisher read through it he/she didn’t think “This is good”, but “I can make a shitload of money on this.” because that’s what it is; it’s something that sells to the stupid masses, not something that’s actually good or even decent. If I was the director I’d ask Wesley Snipes to do a comeback in the last movie and kill off every single one of them, Blade style. Then the movie might be somewhat survivable.

And to top it off, thanks to Meyer and her fellow criminals, countless boyfriends have been dragged to the movies by their girlfriends and forced to sit through the pain and torture that this shit presents. I hope that if vampires really do exist, they find Meyer and crucify her, Hannibal Lecter style.

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Yes, she is. I’ve seen the six Hairy Plonker films, read the first book and I must say that I’m far from impressed. Actually, it wasn’t any remotely near good. I think J.K. Rowling should either shoot the scriptwriters and directors because they destroyed her books(if the books are any good), but if she’s actually happy with the movies then she should have her hands chopped off so she never writes another book again. I’ll be fair and admit that three or four times during these movies I had a little chuckle, but not enough laughter to justify it.

Like I said, the first book was shit and the movies was a load of crap. Besides, she’s doing copyright infringements all over the places. One dude who has no idea from his origins that uses an unseen force and a special weapon to fight someone he’s connect with through blood? Have you ever seen Star Wars? Let us just add in Prof Dumbledore as Obi Wan and Granger as Princess Leia and you’re all set. Might as well throw in Ron as Han Solo(although we all know Harrison Ford could whop Ron’s arse without breaking a sweat) and we’re there.

Those that do deserve an applause in relation to the Plonker movies are the people behind the special effects. Even though they deserve a punch in the face for whoring their services out they still did a damn good job. So well done to them, although the script writers and Rowling should be beaten for excessive use of cliches and lack of originality. I couldn’t be arsed to look through the credits, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find George Lucas or Christopher Tolkien in there, although I doubt they’d degrade themselves to that level.

The lack of originality in the surroundings is extraordinary. You’re in a mythical world and you can create whatever damn sort of creature you want. If you want to, you can create a four legged animal with lizards tail, bat wings and a fishhead if you feel like it, but nooooo, let’s go for what everybody knows. At least in LOTR he came up with the Uruk Hai and did a little moderation to the Elephants, but no such luck in world of Plonkers. Centaurs and Unicorns and giants. The only things that struck me as new was the dementors, the flying prison keepers, but wait, who do they look like? Can anyone say Ringwraiths? At least she managed to get a few more than 9, that would have been a copyright infringement.

And what about the magic? The worlds most amazing wizards, and all their power comes from a little wooden stick. How fucked up is that? Take away the little stick and they can do fuck all. Send in Voldemort without the stick against Mickey Mouse and it’s time for the mice to dance on the most powerful evil wizard of all time. Gimme a fucking break, will you?

Although I have a feeling that I will probably have to watch the last movie, just for the conclusion and since I have a small glimmer of hope that she might have come up with something exciting for the last bit, I’m not holding my breath. And those of you who are Harry Potter fanatics that are now going “OMFG, it’s liek the greatest movie EVAH!” should go watch something that’s actually worth something. Honestly, Rambo and Die Hard has less predictability and cliches than the Hairy Plonker set. And when it comes to books, well go read about the digestive system of an ant. I’d consider it much more rewarding and much more worth of a discussion topic than this shit.

I’m off to suffer more from watching the Twilight series. If I don’t post something in a while you can assume that I’m in a lunatic asylum or have killed myself.

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Ok, maybe calling them nazis is taking it a bit too far, but it’s good for shock factor, isn’t it? Glenn Beck constantly called everyone not agreeing with him for nazis, so I feel I’m intetled to use it at least for once.

But you might be wondering who I’m referring to. I’m referring to the people walking around thinking they are better than everyone else; the non-smokers. Ok, not every non-smoker is a moral hypochrite, but there are some that are. They’re few, but what they lack in numbers they surely make up for in cockyness.

I get sick when they start going on about how people who smoke are stupid, how they’re lacking the will to quit and are weak and god knows what they don’t say. They say we(and I use it because I used to smoke and was one of them) ruin it for everyone, because since we end up in hospital with different diseases that may be a result of smoking, the society has to pay for it, either by the taxes or by increased health-insurance. I’ve actually heard some go so far as to say we should pay all of it ourselves or that we don’t deserve treatment. In other words; we’re all equal, as long as you don’t smoke. If you smoke you’re not worthy. Is that really moral, or is just what Hitler did, only it’s not directed towards a specific race?

Let’s play these moral cunts game and say we don’t deserve health care because we chose to start smoking, just for the sake of argument. Who else doesn’t deserve health care? Of course those that eat so much they get fat. It’s their choice to go for soda when they could have gone for a glass of water. Why should my tax money help them be healthy? Get your fat asses out and start working out. Drug addicts. I bet most of them weren’t forced to shoot the heroin or sniff the cocaine. So what if they OD and die violent deaths. Their choice.

People who get alcohol poisoning. The poor barkeeper can’t keep a tab on everyone that comes in a crowded club and gets hammered. Let them lay on the street and die and we’ll come pick their corpses up in the morning. Let’s ignore the alcoholics as well, at least until their on their own. Let’s help the family and friends stay away from them, but hell no if we’re gonna help them. People who drive reckless or too fast. They control the speed of the car and if they crash and die a slow and painful death then too bad for them. Let’s just clear the road so the traffic doesn’t jam up. It’s only natural selection anyway, isn’t it?

This is all bullshit. Everyone has the same right to be taken care of, no matter what happens or what you do. We are all equal.

Let’s quote The Universal Declaration of Human Rights

1. All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.

 

25 – 1 Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and of his family, including food, clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control.

 

So if they look down on smokers, where’s the spirit of brotherhood? How can they at one point boast about how good people they are and how good the Declarion of Human Rights is, and in the next second brush it all away? Although I want to say that I think they should be dragged down from their high horse and get beaten, I won’t say it(surprised you there, didn’t I?). Ignore these idiots and hope nobody listens to them. We’re all equal, wheter we smoke, drink or think we’re better than everybody else. Personally, I’ll get furious at these moral nazis and when the rage is over I’ll pity them for their ignorance and lack of ability to look in the mirror and see what they truly are. I can do perfectly well without your judgement, we all can, but if you want to be a good person, don’t judge us, offer us your assistance and support in case we wanna quit.

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