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Fashion. I fucking hate that. It’s ludicrous and something that I honestly can’t understand people are willing to pay 100 times the cost just because it’s a brand name. Not to mention all the crazy shit the designers come up with it. I’ll get more into the last bit later.

I admit, I don’t know how to dress. I will wear colours that clash, clothes that makes me look worse than I feel and if I was to shop without aid I’d pick outfits that would make girls run away screaming or fall on their knees and cry, asking God what I had done to deserve such a punishment. When it comes to picking out jeans I pick a pair, put them on and then squat. If they’re not painful then I don’t really give a fuck about what everyone else looks at. the whole “does it fit my body type and does it make my ass looks bigger?” gets one massive FUCK YOU from me. Then I go and grab a couple of t shirts that looks fairly nice. What I have as criteria are the following; 1) Are they pink or have any pink parts in them? If so then it’s a no. 2) Do they actually fit? 3) what’s the price? I really can’t be arsed to spend large amounts of t shirts that I don’t give a shit about. They’ll end up as working shirts or something along those lines in the end so no point spending too much money on them. I’ll pay for a nice shirt that goes with a suit, but a regular t shirt for every day use, not gonna happen. Then I’ll take a few sweaters that I feel suit me.

But that said, most of my t-shirts comes from supporter shops, mostly Arsenal stuff. I have around 10 different Arsenal shirt that I wear, and no girl will ever come near those unless the purpose is to wear them or wash them. They’re not going into the bin. I like them and I wear them. Same with my massive large disney jumper. So yeah, I have no sense in how to dress properly and fashionable, nor do I want to. I have better things to spend my time on, like doodling circles on notebooks and read about fish on wikipedia.

So what’s my problem with fashion? Well, one thing is the cost. How can it be that a pair of Ralph Lauren jeans costs 10 times more than a pair of jeans from another brand that’s not so posh? Quality is the same, and style isn’t that much different. Maybe it is for you twats who knows this shit, but if you have eye for those details you’ll do society a better service at checking spy photos for your military intelligence programs.  Not to mention the t-shirts and jumpers. Who the fuck came up with the idea that it’s a good thing for guys to wear pink? In hospitals they seperate girls from boys by giving the girls pink clothes and the boys blue. Pink is for girls. There’s a reason barbie dolls comes in pink packages and the guns comes in orange packages. The year I graduated we had a bunch of different parties. One was called “Traffic light” where you dressed in the colours of a traffic light depending on if you were single or not. Red was taken, yellow meant you could be persuaded, if you wore green you were open for most, and lastly, those that walked around in pink would pretty much fuck anything with a pulse. So congrats all guys who wear pink; we know that single guys will fuck anything with a pulse, but no need to advertise it or dress like a girl while you’re at it.

So what about the desginer shit that comes out on the catwalks every season, promoted my models that never shower because they’ll fall down the drain of the shower? I’ve seen a video of Russian Neo-Nazis that decapitated a hostage. That made more sense to me than what “walks” on the catwalk in Milan or Paris. I’m wondering if the designers gathers at a massive rave party and takes all kinds of different drug coctails and then head straight to a designerroom where they draw out what people should were. It’s never bold or challenging, it’s always something that a drunk hobo wouldn’t even wear. A couple fucking nude in the middle of the high street would be less attentionwhores than those who would even think about wearing that shit. And if you’re gonna categorise the people designing this shit as geniuses then I’d put them in the same category as dictators and war criminals; evil and insane. I’m pretty sure that the Geneva convention says that you can’t humiliate and ridicule prisoners, so I’m wondering why it’s ok to strap civilians in peace time into something that makes them look like birds who have swallowed different things in peace time.

Fashion sucks, and if you’re one of those that follow the shit that goes on in Milan and Paris I have a word of advice; turn back now, before it’s too late. Start studying and get interested in stuff that makes more sense, like finding out the optimal growing temperature, humidity and amount of rain and sunlight for dandylions.

Bored as hell

Yes, this is one of the things one could do when you’re bored as hell. Enjoy/hate

Question #1: Are you a morning or night person?

Hate going to bed, hate getting out of bed, so nocturnal

Question #2: Which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods?

Salty as long as I have plenty to drink.
Question #3: Ninjas or pirates?

Ninjas
Question #4: Ninjas vs pirates, discuss.

Easy. The pirates walk drunk in the street while the ninjas are around blending in. Before you know it the ninjas have stopped the singing and disappear.
Question #5: Autobots or Decepticons?

Despite the autobots being the good guys, transforming into a tank, fighter jet or chopper is much more awesome.
Question #6: What was your favorite childhood television program?

Tom & Jerry. I have seen most of it. Still enjoy them
Question #7: Are you a collector of anything?

Nope, only of bad jokes
Question #8: If you could be any animal, what would you be?

Panda bear. Looking cute and cuddly but will kill you, if I can be arsed
Question #9: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Flying.
Question #10: What is usually your first thought when you wake up?

Something along the lines of “Fucking alarm!”
Question #11: What do you usually think about right before falling asleep?

My girlfriend
Question #12: What’s your favorite color?

Red
Question #13: What’s your favorite animal?

Pandas
Question #14: Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets?

Yeah. Odds for us being alone in this rather huge universe is rather small
Question #15: Do you believe in ghosts?

Not sure. More between heaven and earth than we know
Question #16: Ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Which one(s)?

Not really, although there are games that I’ve played frequently simply because I like them
Question #17: You’re given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on?

Buy myself a nice house.
Question #18: Have any bad habits?

Smoking, talking before thinking, Thinking way too much about things, usually the worst possible scenario
Question #19: Which bad habits, if any, drive you crazy?

Thinking. I try to go to sleep and always end up thinking a lot.
Question #20: List 3 of your best personality traits:

Friendly, funny, outgoing
Question #21: List 3 of your worst personality traits:

impatient, sceptical, sometimes annoying
Question #22: Have any celebrity crushes?

Nope
Question #23: List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself:

My insecurity
Question #24: Any tattoos or piercings?

Nope
Question #25: What’s the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?

Smile. If she’s not smiling then the eyes.
Question #26: What personality traits do you look for in a partner?

Funny, confident, outgoing, charming, intelligent. And probably other things as well.
Question #27: What personality traits do you dislike in other people?

Stupid people. I hate stupid people. There should be a law against it.
Question #28: Are you mostly a clean or messy person?Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years?

Probably not.
Question #29: Are you mostly a clean or messy person?

Bit of both. I prefer having a system, but I’m not the first to grab the hoover.
Question #30: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

Somewhere around where I live now
Question #31: If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go?

London. Personal reasons. Unless I had that special someone with me somwhere else. Then I’d go for something far away, like a deserted island with parrotfishpoop beaches.
Question #32: List 5 goals on your life’s to-do list:

Education, job, girlfriend, do something dangerous/stupid, piss off a celebrety
Question #33: Name 1 regret you have:

Not working properly in school.
Question #34: Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid:

The lack of responsibility
Question #35: Name 1 thing you love about being an adult:

More freedom, kinda.
Question #36: What’s your favorite song of the moment?

Peter Gabriel – My body is a cage
Question #37: What’s your favorite song of all time?

Rammstein – Sonne
Question #38: What’s your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night?

Relax. Just relax
Question #39: What’s your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon?

Try to forget that tomorrow is monday
Question #40: Have any hidden talents?

If they’re hidden I wouldn’t know about them, would I?
Question #41: You’re about to walk the green mile, what do you have as your last meal?

Lamb ribs like my grandma used to make them
Question #42: What would be your dream job?

Professor
Question #43: Which would you rather have, 100 million dollars or true love?

True love
Question #44: If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be?

Remove any debt any of my family members have, get rid of my illness, and give me and my girlfriend a house and jobs nearby
Question #45: Ever wish you were born the opposite sex? If so, why?

Sometimes. Longer and heavier *******
Question #46: Name 1 thing not many people know about you:

I enjoy scratching my ear.
Question #47: If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to?

Fredric Uck of Hel
Question #48: Do you believe in the afterlife?

Yes
Question #49: On the topic of abortion, how do you feel about cookies?

Pro cookies for people who aren’t overly fat.

I’m an overprotective fucker. Just ask my girlfriend and she’ll tell you(I’m not gonna give out her info, but feel free to ask any amazingly good looking girl you see “Is your boyfriend the dude who writes the blog Midnighttalk?”). I very often act like some sort of body guard over the people I care about, and if you hurt them and I get the chance I will in 30 seconds have come up with a dozen different ways to make you suffer until you pass out from pain. And yes, I have seen a shrink. He considered me healthy.

If I got a daughter I would go into the stereotypical overprotective dad. I would do my best to make the insecure boyfriend she brings home to introduce to her family piss his pants out of pure fear. If it would be done with pure words or with a show and tell or just be silent I don’t know. I guess I would make an assesment right there and then. I most definetely would try to get my hands on ancient torture devices, preferably something that would bring immense pain to his cock. “You see this? This was used to slowly crush a man’s testicles while they wanted him to confess.” If my girlfriend’s dad showed me different torture devices when I was 16 I would probably be a bit scared. At least if he had this evil smile and a bit of a worrying chuckling while he was at it. er

I would constantly worry that my daughter was out with STD infested guys that would do their best to get her drunk and somehow trick her into bed. Odds are I would bribe one of her friends to videotape the entire thing and put up a live feed so that I could intervene when I saw it necessary, which would probably be every 10 minutes. Car would be parked ready to drive out like an ambulance to a crashsite where a busload of Japanese retired people hit a mountainside, of course with different weapons in the back, legal and illegal.

Another good reason is because I would be a very poor man, even if I earned millions every month. Reason; she would know me and know how to wrap me around her middle finger. I have more problems saying no to a girl than to a dude. A girl gotta ask for something big for me to say no. “Can I fuck you violently in the ass with this big strap on while I gag you with a washcloth that you just came in?” “Just use enough lube and warm me up before you push it in. And I hope I can spit out the washcloth if I struggle to breathe and might pass out.” (That would be me saying yes to my girlfriend, not some random fat slag that has “Team Jakob” tattooed on her ugly ass).

And this is pretty much just the top of the ice berg. Odds are I’d get a daughter that would rebel against the intellectual upbringing I’d give her and she’d become shallow and think a macintosh is something useful(i.e. a complete and utter idiot).

Which is why I’d want a son. He’d be bossed around to do all the crappy stuff I don’t want to do, like taking out the trash and mow the lawn and all that. And when he interrupts me when I’m reading the sportspages and goes “Dad, can I have a new pair of jeans? The ones I have are almost falling off.” “Come back when they’re falling off. Now go mow the lawn. The grass has grown 5 milimeters since you cut it last.” That and I’d have someone to beat in gaming. That and I probably wouldn’t worry as much when he goes out. If he gets hurt then that’s another lesson learnt and if he does it again then he’s obviously just stupid.

So please, God. Give me a couple of sons to bully. I’ll be a good dad(at least my definition of a good dad).

Here we go again…

 

Yes, twatlight/cuntlight/fucklight/someone-please-shoot-stephanie-meyerlight is back. You can take your pick on what you wanna call it, but all of the above are true and we know it.

For weeks I have been dreading going to my university. It’s not because I’m being bullied or that there’s asbestos or other poisionous materials in the buildings, but it’s because at the bus terminal there are huge posters of edtwat cuntum and bella. The stuff seriously scares me, and I have been on a small edge of a steep cliff that had a 20 meter drop down on some really nasty looking stones while clinging on to a some grass that probably would have snapped if I’d slipped. In short, I have been on the edge of death and it was still not as scary as having to look at the posters at the bus terminal.

I have a question for you; what do you do if you have Bella, or Bucket because she has the personality and carisma of a bucket full of donkey shit mixed with chemical waste, and edtwat cuntum in the same room and you have a gun with only one bullet? Simple; you shoot the cunt(that’s edtwat cuntum, easy to confuse since they’re both cunts), rip off his arm and beat Bucket to death with it. Don’t try to beat her soul out, because if you’ve seen 10 minutes of the movies it’s obvious she has no soul.

I’m still wondering on whether I should actually suffer through these last two money milkers of a movie, or if I should just wait until I can acuire it in a way that won’t cost me the ticket to the movie(I’m not mentioning anything illegal. I could go rent it, so plausible deniability). However I do believe that going to watch it and be a complete and utter arsehole during the movie, like booing whenever bucket shows her very punchable face(normally I wouldn’t hit a woman, but since she acts like a bucket of donkey shit mixed with chemical waste I think I could get off with it being described as littering) or constantly repeat what edtwat says in the most gay voice that is possible to imagine, would be worth the money. Maybe I should pick up my phone and make a call in the middle of the movie. There are some great ideas coming to me right now.

However, I still think that despite the entertainment value of sitting in a cinema and enjoying ruining the experience for all the twatlight hardcore fans, these movies should be outlawed all over the world. Not because of censorship, I’m against that, but because it’s fraud. They say it’s a movie, but there’s not a single SENSIBLE(which rules out all the twatlight fans) person in the world who would call that shit entertainment. I feel for all the dudes that have been dragged to the movies by their girlfriends. If they are to ever make up for that it’s sex three times a day, every day for one year for every film.

The people behind the “movies” and everyone working with it(yes, Stephanie Meyer, that includes you you destructive evil cunt) should be jailed, put on water and bread for 2 months(apparantly it fucks up your digestive system). Then they should be tortured in every possible and impossible way and only be let off when the finally renounce their false god and apologise for producing such crap. Then they should be taken to a public place and then be beheaded, preferrably with a dull fruit knife. Afterwards their heads should be put on stakes and placed on different places around the world and their bodies left to rot in what could be a public toilet.

Because twatlight haven’t just ruined many people’s lives and probably mental health, but it has also ruined the entire vampire genre. If you asked my parent’s generation, they’d tell you that vampires are Bram Stoker’s Dracula and so forth. Proper bad ass vampires who sneaks in and sucks the blood out of women, just to be pure assholes. Ask my generation(the one in their mid 20’s and 30’s) and we’ll tell you about the badass Blade and all the vampires there, who again drinks blood from humans and treats them like nothing more than a source of food and amusement.

Now ask the teens of today what a vampire movie is, and they’ll tell you twatlight. Some of them might be sensible and give you the Underworld series, but odds are that you get twatlight. So we go from creepy as hell to asswhopping creepy cunts to sparkling in the sun. If you don’t believe me then google Bram Stoker’s Dracula, then Blade and then twatlight. You’ll see it’s like that evolution map where man goes from monkey to man to the computer geek, only this will be with the man standing upright first, next is him holding a sword and the last will be him sparkly driving a Prius to his sports gymnastic training. Somewhere something went horribly wrong, and someone should pay!

Unless you live in a god forsaken area you probably have neighbours. Maybe you have one, or maybe you have several. Either way, you’re bound to have one arsehole living near you that annoys the living shit out of you. It can either be because of their kids are screaming all day, they might be rude, or maybe they come knocking at your door at 1 in the morning and ask to borrow some sugar when they know that unlike that jobless hobo, you have to get up in the morning.

Maybe they do all these annoying things because they are complete and utter idiots. It could just be that they don’t have the regular XX or XY chromosone that most people have. It could be that they have special chromosones; the CUNT chromosone, that makes them complete and utter cunts. These fuckers are here because society has yet to find a way to weed out these people and it’s socially unacceptable to put them in special detention camps where they live their annoying shitty lives(another thing Hitler ruined for all of us, but good job on making Fanta and Volkswagen). And before you pull out the racism card and call me a racist, let me tell you that there are cunts of all ethnic background, religion, political views and sexual orientation(apart from gingers, because they have no souls and thus can’t be cunts). But since there are no proof of this genetic error, all we can do for now is speculate.

A second possibility is that yes, there is a God and he has a very evil sense of humour. Maybe he got piss drunk one day and decided to fuck things up a bit and snapped his fingers, and suddenly a certain amount of people on the planet ends up as… cunts. This way the odds of you living next door to one suddenly becomes increadibly high. Or maybe it’s just so simple that the Devil exists, he was pissed that God created something so awesome as me and then decided to annoy all the people on the planet by creating cunts.

If you drop these two theories then you’ve just gotta assume that cunty neighbours have existed in society for quite sometime. Given that it’s not a genetical error then I’m assuming that there’s only one option left; how the cunts are raised as children. If their parents are increadibly cunty, then chances are that their kids will adopt this cunty attitude and become complete and utter cunts themselves, especially the later generations. Since my generation has access to internet, it gives them a chance to come in contact with cuntery and other cunts online, and thus share experiences and give tips and hints. So parents, unless you’re a cunt, check what your kid’s doing online. He might just be learning how to be a cunt.

I say that since the amount of cunts in our society is rising, we need to start doing some research on it. Maybe there is a cure for cuntery. If so, the governments and WHO and UN need to act! Before it’s too late and we become a society where the cunts are the majority. Then we are well and truly fucked.

Apocalypse Now

No, I’m not referring to the quite awesome and somewhat mindfucking movie about the Vietnman war, I’m referring to the fact that I fear the end of the world is near. I’ve been reading a bit in the Bible as part of my religion studies, and in Revelations it’s all about the end of the world. Of course the whole thing is riddled with metaphores and symbolism, but I think I am the first person in the world who have deciphered the part about the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Now to me it’s not the horsemen, but more the horses that are the evidence, and as the groundbreaking researcher, theologist and historian I am, I won’t do it through a book, but here on my blog free for all you to see. I present to you my theory of the Apocalypse and Twatlight!(dramatic music)

I know, I know, it might come as a shock to most of you, but I don’t doubt for a second that it’s the truth. The evidence are all there. It’s clear that Twatlight is the four horses of the apocalypse. Let me give you the proof.

The first horse is described as white. Stephanie Meyer is white. You might consider that as just a coincidence, but not when you look at the rest of the evidence.

The second horse is described as fiery red. Jacob is a Native American. I’m not racist, but we all know that Native Americans once were called redskins. Try to disregard that fact.

And when you read that the third horse is black, all you need to know is that vampires have to come out at night. And we all know that during the night, it’s pitch black. Can you not see the evidence piling up?

And to top it all off, Revelations describe the final and fourth horse as pale. Edward Cunt is as pale as a British miner living on the North Pole during winter.

There it is. The evidence that Twatlight is the first sign of the end of the world. The horses have been set out on this world and we’re well and truly fucked. Just look at the amount of teenage girls that hit puberty in a weird way spamming facebook and other forums going “OMG! EDWARD IS CUTE! MOVIE SOON! YAY!” while all the sane people in the world are contacting their lawyers asking if killing a Twatlight fan can be considered self defence. In my opinion, it should. At least those screaming teens. They are a danger to normal people’s sanity. I bet even the most schizophrenic and paranoid people look at them and go “Oh for fucks sake, would you please get a grip? I’m legally mental and I’m not that bad!”

The apocalypse is coming. The only way we can prevent the destruction of the world is to load our guns and hold our ground against the Twatlight invasion. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m contacting the local Russian mafia for some good weapons and explosives.

I like Wednesdays. They are like the no man’s land of the week. You’re not trying to forget all the drunken shit you did in the weekend, like you do on Monday and Tuesday, and neither do you prepare for the following weekend’s drunken shit, like you do Thursday and Friday. Wednesday is the neutral day of the week. So there are a couple of things I like doing on a Wednesday.

1 – Oversleep. Nothing is more fun than waking up, looking at the clock and then realise you’ve got 10 minutes before you need to get out of the house and start heading to the bus stop. And since you’re in a pretty rotten shape you know that taking a shower and then run is out of the question. As you half awake stumble through the room and find your clothes on your way to the bathroom and get dressed while doing your morning business, you suddenly find yourself with socks on your hands and what you thought was your dark sunglasses turned out to be your trousers over your head. Wallet and keys have been moved around by the evil house gnomes that move shit around while you’re sleeping and panick strikes as you hurry out the door.

2 – The bus. As you walk to the bus stop you constantly check the time in fear of that the busdriver has gotten an epiphany and found out that the timetable is something he should try to follow, it’s not just some random timestamps that they cooked up at 2 AM during the Christmas party(although when I look at some of the timetables here they might as well be). Ignoring the rain and the shoelaces you didn’t have time to tie before you headed out the front door(and probably forgot to lock, but too late to do something about that now) you finally reach the bus stop. To your relief you see plenty of miserable people standing there waiting for the same bus as you, although you almost start laughing before realising that you are one of those miserable people as well. On the bus you sit down on an available seat with plenty of leg space and relax. Feeling optimistic you think that it can only go upwards from here. That’s when the almighty God puts on an evil smirk and goes “Oh yeah? Fucking watch this, you wanker”. As you sit in your own thoughts and admire the amount of space you have you see the fattest woman in the area have decided to take the bus at the same time as you. Not only can you imagine the axels of the bus starting to bend as she steps on, but of course she decides to sit down next to you, completely altering any notion you had of both time and space, especially space. As a final cruel joke from God you feel a strange odor coming from Shamu’s stand in. You’re not sure if it can be defined as perfume, but the word “fume” fits perfectly with the smell that’s creeping up in your nostrils and starting to torture your nerves. I doubt any of us mind that a person has put on perfume or cologne to mask their own BO, but when a person who’s Indian name would be “Sitting Whale” is more or less drenched in something smelly that reeks so bad that you have to spend what feels like the 15 longest minutes of your life breathing through your jacket, you wish you had no such thing as a sense of smell.

This is just two of the many things that makes me looooooove Wednesdays. I hope I never see a fucking Wednesday again. Or a Monday.

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